Thursday, 11 October 2012

closure//moving forward

I have been wanting to write this out for a while. I have been thinking about this thought for a while now, adding more and more to it every day. I have been thinking about closure and maybe sharing some of my past experiences on here.

About two years ago... well exactly two years ago, I went through a real break up. By real I mean, the first relationship I had ever left in my life that really made an impact. It was not the longest relationship, also not the healthiest. It wasn't healthy at all. It was my relationship with Rose's (my daughter) father. It was abusive in many ways and I have never really opened up about that to many people. The reason I have never really opened up about it because I have a fear of seeming weak. I know that we can't always be strong, but as a mother I find it really important to keep my composure when times are hard and not let any of my struggles affect my child. I know there are so many other parents who have been through a story just like mine. I always wish I could tell them that they didn't fail. For so long, I always felt I had failed Rose for not being able to keep her father and my relationship together. I felt like I wasn't good enough and that I was undeserving of love from anyone. It took me a while to truly feel that I deserved the love I was receiving from others. That feeling of being worthless can be so painful. For a while, I wasn't doing anything for myself.  It was the darkest time in my life but, at the same time I had this beautiful daughter new to my life. It was also the brightest time in my life in many ways.

Now, two years later I can still feel the sting of it all. The only difference now is that I realize I am worthy of love and good things. And to be a better mother, I can't let the past haunt me. I truly believe that children are so receptive to their parents' emotions. I would never want to project any negativity onto Rose, she is far too precious. Going through a separation with Rose's dad was painful, but it made me stronger. I now know that I am strong enough to do what is right Rose and I. And even though I am in a very loving relationship now, I know I can stand alone to support myself and Rose.